The Barrister

” I will never be able to forget you”

And with these last words, I saw him walking away from my life, for good.

Or for one more time.

I met H at the right time and while I am writing this I remember I was wearing the same top I am wearing now.

He was smart.
Actually, he IS smart.
And brave and driven.

He was also married- or nearly- as he has a partner who is the mother of his 3 kids.

He had perfect English and knew how to sound impressive.
After our coffee,  when we saw each other for the first time, we kept our thing online for more than 1 month before being able to meet again.

I spent my days while visiting Brazil, chatting to him.

I couldn’t get him out of my head.

I didn’t want to.

When we finally spent the afternoon together, it was good.
Very good. I knew it was the first of many.

I lost my earrings, which is a good sign.

Our courtship increased after that and I could say, I was falling for him.

Between our next intimate encounter, H came to see me a few times during my lunch time and we met at the garage of my building.
It was always hot and deep and meaningful. It was hard to be apart.

He smells nice and I could smell his perfume for hours after he had gone.

Our second afternoon together was intimate and fulfilling.

Deep, wet, passionate, crazy.
We fucked and made love.

Looking back, I think I couldn’t even define what was lovemaking and what was fucking.

And then, I panicked.

I couldn’t see the doorknob.

The following day I sent him a message saying we should call it a day.
He was shocked.

And hurt.

He felt betrayed, and he was.

He was betrayed by my inability to live in the present, I ache for what’s coming next.
It’s exhausting.

After a few days, I realized my mistake but he wasn’t open, he couldn’t really trust me.

The time we had together H never stopped telling me how a wonderful woman I was.
How smart, how beautiful, how sexy, how dirty and how messed up too- I miss that so much.

We were into each other.

But I pushed the break. It was my fault. I owe it.

I sent him some dirty texts, telling what I wish to do with him again.

He promptly ignored.

I didn’t contact him for weeks, maybe 2 months, and when I did, I was pleasantly surprised: he replied!

This time I promised myself that I would be mindfulness but by our texts, I could sense our feelings didn’t change but I realized that my actions were irreversible.

Our revival was brief – It was his time to panic with the possibility of me closing the door once more.

With the phrase I started this post, I watched him leave in silence.

When I deleted his phone number, to avoid the urge to contact him on a lonely night, I saw myself longing for everything we didn’t have time to do and for the things we didn’t have time to say.

But in reality, he didn’t leave, I pushed him away.
That’s what I do best.

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